I've been staring at this blank page for five minutes. I'm not optimistic, but I do remember that writing was, for a long time, incredibly cathartic. So here I am, hoping it will help this time. I'm giving it a shot anyway.
Right now, I am really confused. At a loss, even. I have definitely experienced this same confusion of having everything but feeling unhappy many times before, so it's nothing new. It's just here again. And I was hoping it wouldn't come back.
Things are objectively going well. I am making a difference. I am living an honest, truthful life. I have a wonderful family and fantastic friends. I am loved. I am doing my bit for the community and the planet. But I am somehow unhappy, and I don't know why. I don't know what is wrong with me, because for many people my current state of things would be sufficient for happiness. For some reason, my brain can't experience a reasonable level of happiness in its current environment. I don't know if that means I'm supposed to make changes, or self analyse in the hope of shifting expectations, or radically change my circumstances, or do nothing at all. The answer isn't written down anywhere, and even if it was, I probably wouldn't assimilate it anyway.
One of the things I find hardest is when other people don't get it. They don't understand how someone could feel this way, all things considered. Frankly, I don't get it either, and so I have no plausible explanation to offer anyone who asks. I just know that I'm feeling it, and it sucks.
I have been encouraged to 'get out of my head' as much as possible, when I start feeling like this. Makes sense, given that the inner turmoil is usually the result of too much time lost in thought and self-pity. But I can't get out of my head all day. In many ways, I need it - to think, to empathise, to understand, and to be present in the world. There are only so many hours in the day one can spend walking outdoors, watching movies, cleaning and working. Using time is fine - I have no real issues when I'm busy. It's the downtime that I find the hardest, because my brain power is not specifically allocated to ask, so it naturally gravitates towards underlying thoughts I have been thinking when there is nothing else to think about.
I think writing that was helpful. Even if it made no sense. Somehow, in some small way, it made a difference to me.