Tuesday, 12 August 2014

I lost everything.

Dramatic title. I did not actually lose everything.

It just felt like it.

Yesterday I was working on something important to me. I won't tell you what it is, because if it never gets finished, at least I won't have to answer to the internet.

But let's just be clear - this thing is an important thing. Important to me, and hopefully important to a lot of other people one day.

So, I was working on it. Sitting with my laptop. All afternoon. Just plodding along, trying to improve, tweak, transform what was already there.

And then the screen went blank.

And then the screen stayed blank.

And it was gone.

Hours and hours of work. Gone.

I rebooted the laptop when I could. I reloaded all the webpages that were open at the time it crashed. Everything returned to life except the one I really needed.

At this point, I was cursing myself for working on something using a free development website instead of writing and saving it all in Microsoft Word first. NEVER DO THIS.

I was absolutely heartbroken. I guess the day had already gotten off to a bad start, because I am not sleeping well at the moment and I have these huge windows of time during the night where I'm awake and can't turn off my thoughts. (Yes, I am trying meditation. Sometimes it wins, sometimes the thoughts do. We're in the early stages at the moment.)

So it was a kick in the teeth when after I had finally got down to working on my project, and was going reasonably well with it, the whole thing was lost.

I don't know if this has happened to you, but if it hasn't, I can promise you it is one of the most frustrating, gut-wrenching things out there, magnified 100-fold if you are already doubting your abilities and find it difficult to stay afloat sometimes.

It's ok though. I can't remember exactly what I'd written, and so I'll have to rewrite sections that will never be the same.

When I was being really fatalist, "It will never be the same!", my mum said something really helpful:

"Have you considered that your next version might be even better?"

I had not.

But I am trying to do so, from now on.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Everyone gets scared.

I think we all have those moments when we freak out because of some external stressor.

Over the weekend, our cats experienced two major shake-ups. What is normally a totally chilled time for them turned into metabolic madness.

For starters, we had a random dog rock up at the back door on Friday night.

He was actually really lovely.

Resident felines couldn't see it though. It took them AGES to calm down after the sighting. I'm talking HOURS of checking the back door to see if the dog was still there.

Tails don't lie.

Then on Sunday we had a neighbourhood cat come along and cause mischief. Pained howling cut through the cool morning air, but by the time we rushed outside, only Socks remained. (Looking stunned and rather ruffled.)

And so, I have seen that things don't even run smoothly for cats - animals with zero obligations and very few items on their "to do" lists.

Somehow this is reassuring.

Friday, 25 July 2014

But what if it's shit?

Caring about what other people think is obviously unavoidable in some contexts.

For example, it is your friend's birthday. She wants to go out on Saturday to celebrate.

If you said, "I don't care what YOU want to do. I think we should go to my place and mope", you are hardly exhibiting sporting behaviour.

That said, caring about what others think can hold you back a little bit. Or a lot.

At the moment, I am going through a design process. I have this idea that I'm exploring, and I have no clue if it is any good, or what will come of it, or who will care about it.

So I find myself asking people a lot of questions. Most of them are something along the lines of:

"But what if it's shit?"

The whole thing is such new territory to me, and I'm the kind of person who needs to be validated.

Perhaps I will just keep on enquiring as to whether or not my propositions are shit.

Having doubts in early states of big things is not that bad.

Anyway, I have the belief that my passion to get ideas off the ground will see me through chronic shitness.

It's just a matter of time. And I have lots of time.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

What depression is like.

I think that depression is quite a unique thing.

Sometimes it's a bit like buying an ice-cream, and then dropping it on the ground.

I can be okay for a few days; start getting back on my feet again. I get my ice-cream, if you will. But then something happens, and this certain thing chokes my confidence and motivation. At this point, I have to try so hard and go so far, just to get back to square one. The ice-cream scoop never makes it back onto the cone without a fight, and even when it does, it's all dirty and crap-coated for some time.

So, I continue to pat cats and spend time outside in the sunshine. I think, I dream, I wonder. I do a lot of thinking by the way. I just think most of the time. Often about nothing much at all. But at least I'm thinking.

There are a lot of things that make me happy, and I am trying to do them. Giving myself permission to listen to exactly what it is that makes me happy is a recent development. It has occurred to me recently that I do this thing where I tell myself that I enjoy something, when it's actually the outcome or the appreciation that I'm digging.

I worry that I have spent a considerable chunk of my recent history doing things I thought I enjoyed, when perhaps I didn't.

Such a strange, eerie thought.